Thankyouverymuch...

Dear Gemma,

Hi Sweetheart! I can't believe that Christmas is almost here. I don't feel very "festive" yet... maybe because I'm working so much these two weeks leading up to Christmas. It's been a busy time for me, baby. All this time, you've been sick... still. I haven't seen so much snot come out of one person, ever. Ever! So, on Saturday, I took you to the doctor and got some antibiotics for you. We think that maybe there's some bacteria in there that's keeping you from getting better and you know what?! IT'S WORKING!!! Last night, you only had one coughing fit at 10 o'clock for about a half an hour and then cried out at 4 am twice. THAT'S IT! You woke up this morning with a dry nose, a big smile, and a well-rested body! Yay! I said a prayer of gratitude last night for science and doctors and antibiotics, thankyouverymuch!

We are making the round this Christmas, swinging by both families homes to celebrate. We'll be with daddy's family on Christmas Eve, and my family on Christmas Day. I was hoping to have some "just us" time on Christmas- go to church, look at lights, watch a Christmas movie, read the Christmas story, make cookies etc instead of traveling between homes but seeing your families is so important. Someday, maybe when you're older, we'll claim Christmas for our nuclear family- maybe we'll host, who knows? All I know is that navigating the holidays is hard- trying to make time for "just us" and connecting with our loved ones who we see all too infrequently.

So, baby girl, even though I know you won't remember any of this, I am thinking of you and how our holidays can create lifelong memories for you. I'm wanting to start traditions that someday, you may carry into your own family with your own littles. Maybe I should stake a claim to the night before Christmas Eve- we can pre-pare everything so that Christmas eve can be relaxing and filled with family time. And... I've started to wonder what to do about Santa. How do I keep Christmas about the birth of Jesus AND include Santa... Do I even want to? Do I want to tell you something that I know will make you so sad later? Hmmm... it's just tossing around in my brain and I'm trying to be proactive before you get old enough to go Santa crazy... I mean, let's be honest- I'm pretty creative and dramatic so if we go the Santa route, I might get a little carried away... just sayin'. Anyway- I'm sure that whatever your daddy and I decide will be okay- I'm just surprised by how little decisions carry so much weight with you. Maybe I put too much weight on them, maybe not. Hard to know.

I DO know this. You are really magical right now. You get so excited for everything and are chattering constantly! If anything, the joy I feel when I'm around you points me directly to the gift of that baby in the manger so many years ago. I'm so grateful to be your mama, peanut. You make me so full.

I love you, darling girl.

Mama

Alright, Mamas: Santa... to introduce or not to introduce and how... discuss...

all-nighter

Dear Gemma,

Last night was a long one. You are still trying to kick this cold. It seems to have moved into your lungs and is planning a long stay. Maybe some mamas can sleep through their baby's coughing but I can't. So, even when I held you and you continued to cough every minute or so, trying so desperately to get whatever nasty gunk is camping out in your lungs out of your chest, I wasn't tired. I thought about it while we were rocking, walking, standing by the teapot as it poured steam out into the kitchen, wiping noses, and sipping water... that I would rather be doing this "all-nighter" with you than be anywhere else.

I guess that's what makes a mama a mama, huh? Where else or with whom else would you willingly, even joyfully, be coughed on, snotted on and a host of other lovely "sick kid" perks. Selfishly, I liked snuggling you- you are so busy now that snuggles come sporadically and I can't get enough of your warm little head on my shoulder, your soft cheeks, and your little hands burrowing for a warm spot on my chest. Someday, I keep reminding myself, you'll sleep sounder, deal with sickness more easily, and most certainly NOT be wanting your mamas arms wrapped tightly around you while you sleep. So, I'll soak this time up, thankyouverymuch. Every long late night hour of it.

Last night while we were working through "sick time", the house was so quiet. So dark. I left Daddy in our room but I know he wasn't sleeping. He wakes when you make noise too. Even though he trusts me to take care of your immediate needs, his ears are tuned in to baby too. Still, the house was still... except for you.

At 2 am last night, you looked like this:

So, this photo was taken during the day but that wild, can't stop movin', must play face was large and in charge last night around 2am. Love you, but can we go back to the snuggling? :)

Anyway, I would love to figure out how to keep you healthy. I don't know what I can do. AND to top it all off, I know I am guilty of snuggling you, smooching your soft amazing cheeks, and practicing blowing kisses with you even when I'm not feeling 100%. I CAN'T HELP IT!

So, I hope that you are enjoying daycare today, my love. I'm watching the snow fall and wishing I could go back to last night around 230am when you finally dozed off for a bit. You breathing was rattly but predictable, your arms were tucked in front of you while you rested on your belly on my chest. My arms feel empty without you sometimes, sweetheart. Like I've just dropped a package or bag that I'd been so used to carrying that I can't adjust to being without it.

Today, I'd love to watch the snow fall with you and drink hot chocolate, or cider and listen to Christmas carols by the tree. This time of year makes me hungry for quality time with you. And, if history has taught us anything by these last two months of "sick baby time", I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to snuggle you in these upcoming cold months. And, just so you know- I'm up for an all-nighter with you anytime, baby girl.

I love you, beautiful.

Mama

Alright Mamas, any tricks to keeping your kids healthy over the winter months? During daycare? I've heard something about saline in the nose... humidifiers- etc. What's your best trick! I think I'm going to need it and I'm sure that there are other mamas out there who could benefit from your wisdom!

Love!

Dear Gemma- a love letter

Dear Gemma,

Today is Thanksgiving and I though I'd write a little note to you. Someday, maybe I'll print all this out, tie it up with pretty ribbon and present it to you as evidence of how you rocked my world. My words don't do you justice, sweetheart.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude today- everywhere I look it seems that my life is filled to the brim with sweetness. I just read a great book by Shauna Niequist called Bittersweet that met me right where I am. The little vignettes that she led me through made me so aware of the presence of both the bitter and sweet in life. I really like how she said that the sweet is no less sweet when there is a sliver of bitter present.

Right now, your daddy and I are passing through some bitter waters. He still looks for a job doing what he feels calls to do and I pray and cheer and hope and pray and cheer and comfort as he continues to search. Even though this bitter season of job hunting is stressful and preoccupying, we do find GREAT joy in each other and in you, my love.

Gemma, you are like a ripple of laughter that opens up across a space, capturing us all in it's giggle and letting us loose with hope. I long to see your face in the morning, hear your yells and new words during the day, and coos as I sing you to sleep. You are in the midst of a season of great discovery. I can tell this because you keep looking at things with wide open eyes and then at me filled with your silly words- you ask me unintelligible questions and expect a clear response. Sometimes I can't help but answer back seriously with garbled words and shocked expression. It's like speaking a different language, you and I. We chatter and have conversations that leave you satisfied and me utterly confused but filled with love.

You are growing so much right now too, darling. Your feet are getting big, your hair is getting longer, your belly is always puffing out over your diaper like Santa Claus. You run now... did I tell you that? You run, Gemma... that's what it's called when Rosie chases you and you squint your eyes shut and move your feet really fast and unpredictably towards the hall. Most of the time Rosie never touches you, but when she does, Violet barks at her to back off, you scream and giggle which only encourages her to chase you again. You three will be best friends forever, I'm sure.

Your daddy thinks your beautiful... he says it all the time, tells you how special you are, how smart and strong you are. I hope we cover you with compliments all the time. You really are beautiful, smart, and strong. I see glimpses of the woman you will be when you stomp your feet and stand your ground... when you rest your head on my shoulder, give hugs, and look deep into my eyes and smile. You amaze me, sweet one. You amaze me all the time.

You love to say "nanas" when you want a banana and "ca-caw" when you want a cracker. And when I ask you to say "milk" you just sign it instead. You make me laugh all the time... and you make me cry. This last week while you were sick, while I was up with you all night breathing in your sour sick smell, I let little tears loose over you... it's shocking how it hurts me physically to see you in pain. Sometimes I think I can't bear it for all the love I have towards you. Sometimes I think I will go crazy thinking about how important you are to me. Sometimes I think, "hey, I got this under control"... wait- who am I kidding? I NEVER feel that way!

I know that sometimes I get frustrated and overwhelmed and snarky. I'm so sorry- you deserve more than an anxious mama and I'm working on that, I promise. I start every day new, or I try to at least, with the rising of the sun there is a rising in my spirit. A newness, forgiveness, a do-over... A promise to play more, and play right, and lead more, and teach more, and give more, and take less... and then, in the quiet of the night, hushed prayers fall out of my mouth- songs of praise, laments for forgiveness, and nuggets of thanksgiving to the God of creation who knit you together and handed you to me to grow and raise and eventually let go. What was He thinking? I mean seriously, how could I ever be enough?

I guess that's the beauty of knowing that you are God's precious child first- I don't have to be enough... it's impossible... but He is enough. He will always be there, always love you just the right way, always guide you, always support you, appropriately discipline you, set healthy boundaries, let you fly when the time is right...

I am a poor man's representation of divine love, pumpkin. And if what I feel is the small version of love for you- it's mind-bending to imagine what God feels for you, sweet jewel. My deepest hope for you is that you find security in the presence and promises of God. He is so good, my sweet girl, so good.

I'm sure in the next few weeks you'll get more teeth, new words, bumps on heads and elbows, colds and sleepless nights, and lots more giggles, hugs and snuggles. I am overjoyed to be on this journey with you, Gemma. You make me a better person, a more repentant person, a more forgiving person... I pray I do the same for you.

And your daddy? Well, we lucked out didn't we, baby? He's pretty amazing and I know you see it... you show him that you love him by resting your little head on his chest, calling out "da DA" in the morning, and grabbing his toes. I pray that someday you'll wear a ring on your left hand that comes from a man like your daddy- a humble, hard-working, patient, faithful, honest, loving, and supportive man- and I pray that he'll hold your hand while you fall asleep, just like your daddy does with me.

Gemma, I'm so thankful for you every day, but especially today- while we celebrate with family and friends all good gifts. You are the best present I ever got...

I love you, I love you, I love you...

Mama

Will you write a love letter to your baby(ies)? I'm thinking of making this a consistent practice. Someday, I may just wrap them up and give them to her so that in her darkest moments she can read of God's promises, my love for her and her innate worth.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mamas. I'm thankful for all of you too. Hug your little ones.

S

waiting...

It's Tuesday. There has been a whisper of snow in the forecast here in Minnesota. I know a good number of the mamas on this blog will be rolling their eyes and turning their heat up one more degree (or two) but no, not I. I anxiously peer out the window- at home, at school, in the car... waiting for the sky to open up and sprinkle the ground white.

I know it sounds crazy to those of you "sunbirds" who crave long sunlit days on warm, toasty beaches but I love this time of year. I already put up my Christmas tree- not because I'm so intensely fond of Christmas Day but because I am so intensely warmed by this fall/holiday season. There is so much depth to this time of year and the snow really guides me in that journey.

Awaiting the birth of our Savior (and yes, I know Jesus wasn't really born in December and that we are meshing a pagan holiday with a religious one... I know, just go with me) seems to take on more reflection in the silence of snow. I have loved how snow sucks up sound as long as I can remember. It truly does- suck it up, absorb, drown, still, silence, muffle, deafen ALL sound- I love it. I feel like my brain moves so fast all the time, taking everything in, trying to control everything, making sure all my "ducks are in a row" that sometimes, that forced quiet is the most blessed sound.

This season, fall-Thanksgiving-Christmas, is the height of family nesting for me. It's soups and stews in crockpots, fires in the fireplace, snuggly fleece pj's, hot cocoa or cider with my sweetie, an extra blanket on our bed, and slippers. It's sneaking in to cover Gemma with a warm blanket, feeling her little neck to make sure she's warm enough. It's warmth and everything that goes along with it. It's a very reflective time for me- I think about my family, my child(ren) and all the things I want to do with them in the future. I think about traditions and activities, practices and remembrances I want to instill in my family. Abe and I have talked about it but we haven't really defined what we want our "family practices" to look like in regards to the holidays. There are certain things we'd like to do and will, we're just not sure if Gemma is old enough yet. There is always the argument that if you start young, they'll never know anything different.

We'd really like to serve every holiday- either in a soup kitchen, or in some concrete, tangible way partnered with a local organization or our church to make lasting connections between gratitude, service, and celebration. My husband is especially passionate about this as he was the recipient of service like this as a child.

We've talked about how to really make the Christmas Story meaningful to our kids. How do we make Christmas really honor the beautiful gift of a Savior? I've heard so many wonderful ideas- advent calendars, nightly readings of the Christmas story from different sources- children's Bibles, books, different Bible translations; Nativity scenes. But really, the most tangible example of the reality of Christ is in the example of the parents, right? Humbling, huh?

And then there's Santa, presents, and the hoopla that goes along with the commercialized Christmas. How do we give our family the innocent joy of gifts and giving without making them greedy? How do we introduce Santa knowing that someday, we may have to break a child's heart with a grown-up truth?

As much as I love, love, love this time of year, the truth is- I love whatever forces me to reflect and focus on my family. For me, that's a forced indoor retreat. It's bundling up and cuddling together; it's eating warm food together, lighting candles that smell like Apple Pie, and reading stories under hushed covers. Truth is, I can do this any time of year, but this season inspires me.

What about you? What are your happy family traditions around this time of year? If you hate winter, Heather :), what do you do to make this season meaningful? And by season, I mean this whole Fall-Thanksgiving-Christmas season.

I really hope that you are bundled up, warm, safe, and surrounded by your loved ones this lovely time of year.

waiting for snow and all it brings...

Sarah

In another life... or the post with a lot of "quotation marks".

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
- Mary Oliver

This post is not as much about mothering or parenting but more so about us as women with dreams. I really hope you comment- I think the responses could range from inspiring to hilarious, from humbling to ridiculous (see my long commentary below!)

Ahem... I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and how it is different now than I thought it would be. When I was in high school, I had a dreamy, naive idea of what my grown up life would look like. I imagined I'd be hustling from one audition to another, or I'd be doing a show night after night in New York. I thought that it was a far-fetched idea at the time, yes, but I also could imagine it. I could see my "name in lights". I know- so silly, right?

Well, not really... I was given this insane imagination and the gift of this imagination is the opportunity and necessity to dream "Big". I thought that life would fall in line for me along a path that I perceived was right. I think in the back of my mind, I was nervous that I might not make it... and looking back at the talent I possessed compared with the talent out there... I know I would NOT have made it! :) This is not a sob-story or a poor-me "I'm just a teacher" whine, because I love what I do. I feel like I get to "perform" every day and have adoring fans all around me! (Ha! Little kids are so good for the ego!) So, in a way- I am living my high school dream- in just a very different way.

When college choices loomed, I told my dad that I was going to graduate High School and head to New York to start auditioning. He said... "No way." He required that I do at least two years of college and then I could go do whatever my dramatic little heart desired. Looking back, I could have left- I was 18- legally able to be on my own. But that thought never crossed my mind. Maybe I was relieved to not have to venture out on my own just yet. I applied to a school whose drama department I loved but then didn't get accepted. Then, my fall back school became my only option. I enrolled, joined the drama department, and got involved in student ministries. I realized that in order to be successful in theatre, you don't need a drama degree so I started pursuing other Major options. Enter: wild imagination... Pre-med for a day (I envisioned myself a part of Doctor's Without Borders- saving lives all over the world- Oh! the drama!); communications for a day- (Of course, newscaster, interviewing important people in the middle of life changing events- dodging bullets to get the good story); Youth Ministry for a day- (Saving souls, y'all! What more important work is there? I would be the best at it... but also incredibly humble, of course...); Psychology for a day- (new treatments, saving people from the dark recesses of mental illness, seeing break through after breakthrough); oh, yeah and education... (the person who is every child's most influential voice- who inspires, challenges, and changes lives.) From this list, you can see I have a bit of a savior complex... how many of these are about saving the world, changing the world, saving lives?

I think that's where a lot of teens are when they envision their futures. And that's all fine... we should dream... we should envision ourselves adding positivity to this planet, changing lives, helping people, challenging each other, and adding goodness not hostility to our daily lives. But, somewhere in the middle of all of that, I followed a nudge and ended up in Art Education. Now, for someone who also wants to be respected for their intelligence and wisdom in their career, art education is not exactly the most respected field. In many schools the arts are the first thing cut, the first thing to go by the wayside in honor of testing, math, etc. But with that savior complex, comes intense passion. I am intensely passionate about the value of art education... I know that I'm doing more than just teaching kids about color mixing, tone, value, composition and art history. I'm teaching them to express themselves in a healthy way (hello, psychology), to connect with their inner creator thus tying themselves tighter to the Great Creator (hello, youth ministry), to communicate with each other about important social and global issues affecting our visual world (hello, communications) and of course, keeping an eye out for the physical, social, and emotional health and well-being of 1000 kids a week (hello, Doctors Without Borders).

So, in essence, I am LIVING THE DREAM, baby! But, in another life- a life that could have gone in a different direction- fulfilling my childhood fantasies, I would have been on Broadway. Yep, my name in lights...

instead...

and I think that is more than fine...

So, in another life, where would you be? Not at the expense or loss of your current life. We all know and understand how wonderful our kids are, our jobs are, our lives are... but, if you were to dream big, baby.... where would you be? What big, wild, irrational things would you be doing?

Dream big, ladies... I'd love to hear that I'm not alone in my teenaged (and sometime adult) wild hopes for my life!

Love to you, ladies.
S

The moment she stole my heart...

I remember that morning so clearly... so dreamily. If I were to paint a picture of it, the edges would be blurred, the lighting would be soft, the colors muted and quiet. The house was sleeping- but we were not.

It was early, early Sunday morning, over 24 hours after I brought my sweet baby girl home from the hospital. She was tiny and wriggly. He legs always bunched up like a frog. She wasn't eating well, was choking a lot, I didn't know why at the time. I was tired and clueless- oh so clueless.

--
When I gave birth to Gemma, I was exhausted. Not, "hey, I just gave birth exhausted" but "I haven't slept in two days, just worked out hardcore for 11 hours, and why the heck did I let them give me a sleeping med" exhausted. I remember thinking as they put her on my chest that this was supposed to be some breathtaking supernatural moment. I remember feeling like something was wrong with me because this little wrinkly, screaming, smushed-nose, purple thing felt more like a stranger to me than the resident who helped deliver her.

I know I said all the right things, I even tried to muster a tear- I felt like I should- but none came. I know I kissed Abe; I know I said hello to Gemma and told her I was her mama; I know I thanked God. I know that I wanted to nurse her right away but I didn't- I held her right away but let them weigh her and clean her up pretty quickly. I always thought the earth would slow and it would be just me and her in this dreamy moment and I would fight anyone tooth and nail if they tried to take her from me. I kept waiting for that cosmic, earth shattering moment when you see that baby and know your heart will burst a million times over if it could. And, it didn't come. Sure, I thought she was precious and I knew on a logical level that I loved her but no supernatural moment.

We took her home and I sat in the backseat with her, because that's what moms do. Not because I couldn't leave her side but because I thought I wasn't supposed to. She was tiny and helpless and not eating well, crying a lot, not sleeping, and unhappy. I thought she was just fussy- that I was doing something wrong... that I'd feel that magic soon.

I left her the next morning to go to Target. My mom came over- she was Gemma's first babysitter. Abe and I went to Target, bought a video monitor and some more diapers and then came home. It wasn't hard for me to leave her. Is that horrifying? I don't mean to imply that I didn't love her but it wasn't that fierce mama bear love that I expected. I read that some moms don't bond with their baby right away. Was I one of those?

I took her home feeling completely responsible and utterly incapable.

--
That Sunday morning, October 10th, 2010, I fell in love. I laid her down on the changing table for the first diaper change of the day and then it hit me. Like a cement wall, like a tidal wave, like a ton of bricks, like a semi-truck going a thousand miles an hour... like that cartoon anvil on my chest. It hit me.

Like a gentle warming in my soul, like an ache that was ecstasy and agony all in one, like a shattering and simultaneous rebuilding of my heart. That supernatural mama love hit me. I said out loud over my wriggly little newborn, "There it is."

That moment, I looked down into the face of my daughter and she broke my heart. I never thought I could love anyone or anything as much as I love her. At that moment, that cosmic, life altering, mind-bending, heart breaking, beautiful, reckless, relentlessly tender love of a mama for her baby, hit me. It was supernatural, cosmic and unexplainable. In all reality, I'd known her 3 days. If she were an adult, she'd still be at the acquaintance stage but no, not here.... on this changing table, on this day, she became my flesh. She became my soul. She became my song. She became mine. I had snuggled her and told her I loved her. I had held her and cuddled her but oh, as my tears fell over her little half-naked body, I pledged my love to her anew. I breathed over her, "Oh, I love you, sweet Gemma. Do you know how much I love you? Do you know?"

I felt like my heart had shattered into a trillion pieces and I felt like it had swollen with more love than I knew it could hold. I saw her fingertips in a new way- the tiny fingernails... I saw her little pouty mouth and felt her sweet breath on my forehead as I kissed her little chest. I wept over her, pledged my life and love to her, and tenderly changed her. Then, I cradled her tiny body in my arms a changed woman. She was weightier then... she had stolen my heart.

--
If we are made in the image of God, if we are indeed His children, if He indeed feels this way about us (all of which I believe) what WONDROUS love is this!? What amazing, earth shattering love we are the recipients of. And, what a gift that He gives mamas a special taste of this supernatural, unbelievable, indescribable, heart breaking, life giving, perfectly possessive love for their children.

Before that morning, I was a mom... a mother. At that moment in the hazy morning light, surrounded by blurred and softened colors, in the eyes of my daughter, in the tiny grasp of her finger, in the innocent trust of her heart, I, Sarah, became a mama. And I haven't been the same since. She broke my heart, rebuilt it and now continues to shatter it with love on a daily basis.

So, when did you become a mama? Not, when did you give birth but when did you BECOME a mama? Were you one of those lucky ladies who was blown away the moment she met her baby? Were you a mama the moment you found out you were pregnant? The moment you found out you would not raise your child here on earth? Was it the moment your baby nursed for the first time, the moment you held his/her hand? Or were you like me, and it hit you later?

There's no wrong answer with this obviously, but I long to know your hearts. I really want to hear that special story- that moment that changed you forever; that moment a tiny little soul made you a mama.

we made it...

Just a few pics of Gemma's party this weekend. She won't be officially one until the sixth. We had family over (about 35 family members) to our little house and celebrated the first year of our girl's life. I have a great question for later... well, I think it's a great question so keep checkin'.

Love to you all!

S