Thursday, August 9, 2012

Through a multitude of storms...

I've been waiting awhile to post on here- waiting for news to settle, for my heart to still, and for my hands to be ready to write.  Seems to me that the past 6 months have been filled with "life". "Life" being a host of storms for those around me, specifically for some of the precious mamas in this space.  Somehow, writing a mundane (or seemingly mundane) question for us all to consider has seemed inappropriate at best.  I've labored and prayed over you, as you've gotten grim diagnoses,  said good-bye to the love of your life, or your sweet fourth child, or  your precious mom, or grieved birthdays or anniversaries of loss.

Amidst the sorrow, I am reminded of one thing that ties us all together- our common identity as women and as mamas.  Recently, I received wonderful news that I am pregnant again- and then received shocking news that I'm carrying twins.  While I'm totally aware that this is an absolute blessing AND one that many of my friends who've struggled with infertility or loss would give anything for, it's been a hard mental adjustment for us.  Little things have been concerning like space- we only have 2 bedrooms, and money- truly, we have no idea how we will afford daycare, and numbers- we never intended to have 3 kids.  Like I said, this has been a bit of an adjustment for us but we are now excited and obviously a part of some bigger journey AND, if it wasn't clear enough already, I am MOST CERTAINLY NOT in charge of my life.  Anyway, I know that in no way does my circumstance compare to what you are going through, have gone through, or will go through but it does remind me of one VERY common thing: we all must continue to mother, no matter the state of our minds or hearts, or in my case- the state of my very nauseous stomach.

I've been reminded so clearly that life does not wait for me to get on board, Gemma does not wait for me to get my head right.  She is up bright and early every morning, calling me from her crib, "Mama, I want get up! I want get up!" and up we get, and off we go.  So, I guess, this has been a wonderful reminder for me of what motherhood really is, in the midst of everything.  Being a mother, means laying yourself down over and over and over- placing your scarred heart aside to fix a sandwich- holding back the morning sickness to push a toddler on a swing.  And then, it's taking that moment or those moments for ourselves, in the dark of the night, or in the early morning, in the tub or in our beds, or on a walk or a run- to weep, to grieve, to hope, to remember, to honor, and to persevere.  And somewhere in the midst of all that, our children heal us- they remind us that life is a gift- sometimes too fleeting- but a gift nonetheless.  They remind us to ooh and aah over airplanes and garbage trucks, spelling bees and confirmations, stars and fireworks.  They point us back to the creator of beauty Himself.  The one who holds our hearts and our hands through it all.

Out of our emptiness, even small cracks in our souls, comes the beauty of sweet music.  Motherhood gives us that chance to pass along a song- one that someday will carry our children through their own seasons of brokenness which will inevitably come their way.  Being present, being honest, and taking time for ourselves sets such a wonderful example for our kids.  Although I have to admit, Yo Gabba Gabba is a great occupier for Gemma when I think I might be at the end of my capability.  I'm not ashamed to admit it... I'm also not ashamed to admit that I know ALL the lyrics to the opening song... don't know how THAT happened! :)

So, I just want to thank all you mamas for weathering a multitude of storms together through prayer, support, and love.  Since I started this group, women have lost husbands, children, and parents, and much more that we don't know about.  Thank you for being a village of encouragement and support for one another.  I will go back to posting about "mundane" motherly things soon, can we say "potty training"? Ugh.  Until then, hug yourself from me and all of us.

Sarah

How Emptiness Sings By Christa Wells 
(Inspried by Ann Voskamp's  A Thousand Gifts)   If you haven't read it, do- it's great.

Brother, he’s suffered like a tree taken down
Wept as he witnessed his dreams carved out
And how can a man just keep walking around
With his heart full of holes

But ooh,
His bow is on the strings
And the tune resonates in the open space
To show us how emptiness sings:

Glory to God, Glory to God!
In fullness of wisdom,
He writes my story into his song,
My life for the glory of God.
Hmm, hmmm

Sister carries her loneliness
In a hidden hollow inside her chest
And sometimes all that she wants is an end 
To the long, long night

But ooh, 
Her bow is on the strings,
And the tune resonates in the open space 
To show us how emptiness sings:

Glory to God, Glory to God!
In fullness of wisdom,
He writes my story into his song,
My life for the glory of God.
Hmm, hmmm

I haven’t been asked yet to walk the hard roads
Still there’s a sense of deep loss in my soul
In the middle of a party, I’ll just want to go
Home.

But ooh,
My bow is on the strings,
I’m beginning to learn where to find the words
To the song that emptiness sings
Ooh, bow is on the strings:

Glory to God! Glory to God!
This is how emptiness sings, oh,
This is how emptiness sings
Hmmm, hmmm

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