I went out to dinner with my best friend and just burst into tears while I told her about all the fears I had for Gemma and my family. I've been pretty good at denial in the past but with Gemma's health issues early on, I couldn't deny her care or the presence of such issues. In the grand scheme of things, her health issues are minor- although no one could tell me that in the beginning and technically, they still can't "clear her". She is now completely off meds and her feedings are the same as any other baby without feeding issues. PRAISE GOD! What an answer to prayer!
However, I feel that I opened the door to fear, anxiety, and worry all those months wondering if she'd be okay. I can come up with the most irrational fears that have to do with anything horrible happening to her or Abe and I. I know I don't have complete control, or any control for that matter, over her ultimate safety and that I can only do my part but sometimes I get crippled by the thought that I might have missed something. I might not have protected her in some way and left her vulnerable. This gets even deeper, breathe... I trust God to be able to intervene, however I don't trust God to always intervene in the way I want Him to. I have had too many friends lose babies, loved ones, get sick, etc to rest comfortably in the assurance that "He'll protect Gemma". I trust that God is ever-present and after talking to Heather, have created a bit of a mantra for myself: Choose Joy. In the midst of what I can not control, I am surrendering to God and choosing Joy. The bottom line is: I can't protect her from everything. I can be smart about safety but if it takes over my life or my mind, I'm MISSING OUT ON HER! I'm missing out on enjoying my daughter! Therefore, I am choosing joy; over and over again- choosing joy.
I can't control everything, not even close. I can't protect Gemma from everything- she WILL experience pain, disappointment, hurt, heartbreak, fear, and loss... Oh! how it pains me to think that she will have to walk through that. I would give anything to shelter her heart from hurt. Isn't that what all of us would do? So, that's where this week's question comes from...
Question #4: How do you parent with a healthy sense of fear? or better yet, How do you parent fearlessly?
I long to hear your shared experiences, mantras for peace, verses you rely on, warm fuzzies you cling to, and hope that you live by. Let's share in order to grow. Let's be fearless together, mamas.
Choosing Joy,
Sarah
I know in my experience as a parent to my two kiddos I have felt real fear a few times through out their lives. I was the first among my close friends to have a baby and that is when real fear kicked in. During my pregnancy I felt things for the first time in my life physically and emotionally. I was afraid of giving birth and then the responsibility of having a child in my care. I had no one to turn to besides my mom and mother in law to ask questions. I think that is what helped me rid my fears. I was on my own. I didn't have friends who had experiences or advice to share. I had to deal is my feelings on my own.
ReplyDeleteNow 7 years later my fears deal with the thought of my sweet little 2nd grader facing "mean" kids and being exposed to behavior that is not excepted in our home. The choices he needs to make when I am not around and the things he sees and hears that I cannot control. We sent Gabe to a summer program this year and a few times he was bullied by older kids. I wanted to take control so bad and fix things, but as a mom I knew he had to learn to deal with these kids without me always rescuing him. It was hard and I cried myself to sleep a few nights. I have to remind myself over and over that I am preparing him for life and if I show my fears for him. I am instilling thoughts into his mind that will hurt is confidence in daily life.
I parent with a blissful ignorance about pain and hurt. We have been more than fortunate with two healthy pregnancies, deliveries and kids. Other than booger and bug bites, I haven't had to worry about much - and for that I know I am VERY lucky.
ReplyDeleteI would love to keep them safe from mean girls, heartbreak, teasing, and the rest of it, but at the same time - I faced all of those things, sometimes more than my fair share, and it made me a strong woman. That's what I want for my girls more than anything. Swing a hammer, get dirty, and polish your nails with a cute ponytail, handle the WORLD.
I come from a long line of tall, blond, loud, smart, strong, stubborn women. This is the legacy I want for my girls. "No" is not a dirty word in our house and getting dirty is (almost always) welcomed. Keep them safe, but let them explore and have fun. Dirt, tears - it all washes off - the memory lingers.
I emailed a fellow blogger recently to inquire how she parents fearlessly and she did a post on letting go. Here is a great post from a great writer- please check it out.
ReplyDeleteSarah
http://www.kellehampton.com/2011/08/letting-go-hanging-on.html
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I found this community! Thanks for the invite. I'll add this blog to my list. I've missed reading your thoughts!
I love your honesty here. There is so much we can't control, isn't there. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the fears as well. The only comfort to me is the thought that I'm a steward of these little ones. They belong to the Lord. And He loves them more than I do. Sometimes, it's so hard for me to comprehend how he could love them more--but He does!
Blessings, sweet friend! You're a beautiful soul.
Mel
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteSo good to have you join us! I've missed your words too.
Love!
Hi all... it's Jen again... working on catching up on posts while I have a minute.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this is a great question/topic! I remember having fears throughout both pregnancies that something could go wrong and I kept giving myself next milestones like the heartbeat, ultrasound, feeling movement, etc. to get me through. I never really felt total relief until they were here. It's not like it's any easier with them here though. I sometimes find myself getting caught in the "what if" fear web. It can be something as crazy as being stopped at a red light under a bridge hoping it doesn't collapse on me and leave my children mother-less or just the basic, I hope my boys don't split their heads open and need stitches while running through the house.
I feel like I'd be robbing my kids of some important fun and growth if I let fear take over though. So... I let Everett climb up things that are a little too tall, run too fast, etc. Yes, sometimes he falls and gets a pretty good egg on his noggin but it's ok, the bruise goes away. Obviously we have rules and I have to monitor them, but they also need some freedom to figure things out for themselves even if that means getting hurt (physically and/or emotionally). Just the other day E had our dog's ball tosser and the muddy tennis ball literally bounced right into Grant's eye. Definitely a moment of panic for me but I got it cleaned up and he was fine. I'm not sure who was in more pain... G or E thinking he hurt his precious baby brother. Now E is a lot more careful.
I have learned that fear can totally consume you and that's not really a good thing. The fears will always be there but I think it's better to live in the moment and believe that everything is going to be ok. If something does happen, we'll deal with it then. There's no reason to fear something that might not ever even occur. I know I have a great support network (and I'm guessing most people reading this do as well) so together we can get through whatever might come this way.
Another great question and so great to read everyone's thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI learn every day how to be more "fearless" because each day and stage has new challenges. I think I'll never stop worrying or fearing in some respect, but I agree with Heather... it is a choice and a mindset. I try not to let any worry or fear control me, and try to just live and choose to live without worry. Or as Heather puts it (which I love!) to "choose joy".