I've been mulling over what I should ask us to inaugurate this little community into sharing with one another. One of the reasons I started this blog was because I was having these questions at night... questions that I was tossing around with myself- questions that I wanted to hear other mamas answer too. Some of them are really personal, vulnerability inducing, risky questions... and some of them are certainly not. When I thought of what to start us out with, I didn't know whether to force us into immediate intimacy (and hope you were all willing) or let us play a bit.
So, I kind of came up with something in the middle. Take it however you'd like... answer it seriously or humorously or not at all. Whatever you choose. But remember, the only way to be in COMMUNITY is to BE in community so please join us. Share. Grow. Celebrate motherhood in all it's many facets- even the icky self-reflective ones!
Question #1: How has becoming a mama affected your view of/relationship with your own mother?
Oooohhhh.... that could be a doozy, eh? :) Happy posting!
Love you all!
S
I am overjoyed to be on this journey with you. I'm so very excited to see what comes of this and I'm filled with anticipation over what you all will share, how we will laugh, how we will cry, and how we will be transformed.
My mom and I are very similar. We are both very intense, extroverted, impatient, and opinionated. We do, however, have very different interests and emotional expressiveness styles (I'm very expressive, my mom is not). Those differences in interests and expression led to many a disagreement. I've always assumed that my mom loves me- just not that she "likes" me. I've always loved my mom, she's really a great mother, but I've often taken for granted that she feels that love from me. I've always just assumed that "she knows".
ReplyDeleteNow that I'm a mother, I look at Gemma and I think about our future- specifically the dreaded teenage years. I know that I would be heartbroken if my daughter said some of the things to me that I did to my mom as a high schooler. We butted heads a lot in those awkward teenaged years. I felt unloved and unaccepted. My mom and I never really connected on a "friend" level like my sister does with her. I've not avoided that type of relationship, it just doesn't come as easily for her and I. Looking ahead, I want a friendship with Gemma- obviously once we are adults- but I want that companionship joy as well as a mother/daughter relationship. I have such strong love for my daughter that I want it in return immensely. I look at my own mother and I can now see the depth of pain I could have caused her with my careless teenager words.
I love Gemma so much that I want to be involved and invested in all parts of her life- even more than that I want her to WANT me involved in all parts of her life. (Now, don't get carried away- I don't plan to move in right away after she gets married... I'll give them a little time to get adjusted... ha!) I guess becoming a mama has made me more aware of what my mother feels for me and how careless I am/have been with that love.
I can now imagine her cradling my little body, singing me to sleep, nuzzling up against my cheek, whispering how she loves me. It's amazing and unfortunate how much happens before we can start to collect memories. I have vivid memories of our many arguments but none of my heavy baby body resting in her arms. Becoming a mama has forced me to see her love for me as a baby in the only "memory" I have- one I'm creating with my daughter now. It has brought me a much more tender feeling toward my mother, and an immense gratefulness for her care-taking. One of the most beautiful experiences I have is watching my mother cradle, caress, cuddle, and lavish love on my daughter- not just because nothing makes me happier than someone loving my child but because I can see glimpses of how she did it with me; how she loved me; how she LOVES me. It's like creating a memory by choice instead of re-living hard ones by default.
The "choice" memories can bring great healing to relationships and becoming a mama changed the way I see my mother and all our difficult years. Her love legacy is now in my heart for my daughter and in return, for her. Every time I long for, adore, relish in, enjoy, soak up, ache for my daughter, I have the awareness that I awaken that love in my own mother. Becoming a mother has made me feel loved by my mom in ways that I never felt before. Sharing the experience of loving a child bonds my mother and I in ways that we hadn't been able to connect before.
Sarah
I'll start by first commenting to Wolfe :)
ReplyDeleteYour baby self and mama got to create those memories for her, not for you. It would be nice if our teenage selves could carry that, but Moms are the lucky ones who get to remember those sweet heavy baby body moments.
I too wish I would have been nicer to my mom growing up - she *didn't* understand me. What a joke. But at the time I was right. Patience.
I have been more than blessed with my kids. We thought about becoming parents (or didn't even have to in the case of Avery) and bam - there they were. Healthy pregnancies, easy (though PAINFUL) deliveries, and I got to take both kids home with me.
ReplyDeleteI am more than fortunate. More than I deserve most days.
Being a mom has taught me to reflect and respect this more than I ever have. Selfishness is a luxury no longer afforded to me. Hell, peeing ALONE is a luxury these days. I have been taught to love so much it hurts and I like to think I carry that into other relationships.
I want to teach my girls love and respect, and do the same for myself at the same time.
{Mothers and daughters are closest, when daughters become mothers. ~Author Unknown}
My mom is an AMAZING grandma. She lavishes love on my children, plans wonderful experiences for them and really soaks in each moment she gets with them. She shows her love for me by serving.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when love languages are different and mine is quality time. Who am I kidding I get NO quality time for or with anyone these days. I am not complaining, I love my crazy wonderful life. It just means that I feel a little lonely and disconnected at times.
So since my babies have been born we have had great ups and downs. I don't know if we have finished a conversation and we laugh often. I love that I can just sit at the table and wait to be served when she is at my house or when I am sick she is always here.
As I say for the thousandth time how much I adore my babies or how beautiful they are I ask her "is that how you felt about me". Her reply is, "I still do". There are always things I will do differently but one thing I hope to do is live with grace, gratefulness and love passionately.
The unfinished conversations, the sleepless nights, the busy schedules, they were all for me. And mine are all for my kids. I wouldn't have it any other way.
As far as our future I will miss so many moments from when they are little (froggy baby legs, singing 2 year olds, asking for hugs and rocking long after sleep comes). I am also so excited for cheering at sports events, shopping for prom dresses and overwhelming them with my love. I was just thinking the other night how I love them so differently and for such different reasons.
My mom is always here when I need her simply because she loves me. I hope my kids say the same someday.
One word - GRACE.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Nedra! Well said!
ReplyDeleteMy relationship with my mom since becoming a mom...I don’t know that it’s really changed much quite honestly. I guess I haven’t thought much about how she was with me as an infant other than how long she nursed me. We live about 2-1/2 hours away so it’s not super easy for her to just stop in if I need her for a few hours. She also retired two weeks before Nolan was born and is absolutely enjoying her newfound free time! She’s got events planned up the whazoo! Her and I have never had that “you’re my best friend and you know everything about me” relationship. I can certainly call her and vent about my husband, she’ll always ask about new things “pumpkin” is doing or get an update of everything she’s got going on.
ReplyDeleteI desperately want to move north of Forest Lake so we can be physically closer – especially with another baby coming in April. However, with the current housing market, we’re kinda stuck unless we decide to risk having two mortgages and rent our current home.
On another note – I’ve become 100% times closer to my sister though! Her and I had a troubled relationship for years and once I had the baby, suddenly we connected on a level we couldn’t before.
I love my mom, she loves me and my son and is thrilled I FINALLY have a baby I’d always dreamed of having. I just hope and pray that being miles closer will improve upon our relationship. Sad to say...but it is affected by that.
(Sarah....I don't need to be anonymous, but don't know how to post any other way!!!)
Not that any of our parents are "bad" but Ann Voskamp wrote this brilliant post on forgiving our parents so that we can be forgiven someday and it just seemed fitting. I needed to hear it as I fail my daughter on "a colossal level" daily. Food for thought, ladies.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/08/figuring-out-how-to-forgive-your-parents/
This one is hard for me to respond to and its also sort of difficult for me to read some of the responses seeing the relationship some of you have with your mothers...I think its a bit of jealousy.
ReplyDeleteFor those of you who know me for sometime know that my mother and I don't have the best relationship. It has been like this for years and nothing has really changed with it when I became a mother...In the past 32 yrs of my life I have come to accept that the relationship I have with my mother is what it is unfortunately...she is not a bad person at heart, but she is not your motherly person...she loves her grandchildren...but our relationship will never go onto a deeper level...but given this situation I am a lot closer to my father...(back story my parents have been divorced since I have been 2 and neither have remarried or have a significant other and on top of all that I am only child)..my father has always been the one to show me unconditional love, tell me he was proud of me, support and respect me as a person
Also growing up in the family structure I was given I have formed extremely deep bounds with a handful of friends...the one who has stuck by my side through 17 yrs has grown to be a sister to me...and I am forever grateful for the bond that we share and hopefully our children will share.
As a mother now...I hope, wish, pray that I will have a better relationship with my children...I want them to never grow up feeling the way I did as a child...I want them to know that I love them with all of my heart and that I am here for them no matter what.
My mom and I were always pretty close as I grew up. Don't get me wrong we had our share of fights. But I really felt like she always had my back. We understood eachother and both shared an obsession for a good day shopping! After Em was born,our relationship didn't change too much. I still looked to her for advice...she was the expert in my eyes after raising three kids mostly on her own...I loved to see her with Emily. When Em started talking and called mom NINA I thought that was the neatest thing. almost like Em had made her her own. she went from my mom to my daughters Nina...a cool transformation. living a million miles away from my mom has probably also made our relationship what it is today. she is still the expert in my book and I will always welcome a day of shopping!
ReplyDeleteI actually had this thought a few weeks ago: "Does/did my mom love me as much as I love Ben & Hannah?" I always knew she loved me. But I never knew she LOVED me.
ReplyDeleteI didn't grow up with my mom - from age 10-college I lived with my dad and brother. I always felt like my mom abandoned me, which is partially true. (I chose to live with my dad when she and my stepdad moved out of state). I resented her moving for most of my life and it took me many years to forgive her and become close to her again - it was well into my college years that I let all that go. Now looking at it from her perspective .... she never got to do a lot of the mothery things she was probably looking forward to. My dad taught me to drive. My grandma took me to buy a bra. My dad went to all my band concerts and visited me my first day of working at the Dairy Queen when I was 15. I'm allowing myself to NOT fell guilty about that. But part of me wonders if rather than focusing on how I felt abandoned all those years if she also felt abandoned.
Tracy,
ReplyDeleteWow, what a deep final thought. How differently our minds work now that we are on the other side, huh?
I never really thought about this. Which is weird cuz you would think it would have come to mind during the process of becoming a mom.
ReplyDeleteI don't think my realationship has changed it has always been an amazing relationship. I have been very blessed that my mom has become a best friend to me. However....I think I understand somethings more clear like why she always got mad when I would get upset with her as a teen and say you love Corey ( my older brother) more than me. Having 3 kids of my own I now realize that was like stabbing her right in her heart. Being a mom myself I realize that there is no more love for one than the others. I still don't know how loving equally works but it is 100% equally between all my kids. I would be crushed if my kids really ever thought that.
I will not do everyting the same as she did as a mother but, I have a great example to look up to and she is an amazing mom, wife, daughter and woman in christ!! I love her dearly and respect all the choices she made raising me even if I didn't agree with it at the time.
First reading your posts I am so blessed to be a part of this community of women. There is a beautiful vulnerability that is being shown here.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you all!
My mother and I have had quite the relationship. First let me start out by saying that I was adopted at three months of age and still to this day do not believe I have even begun to scratch the surface of what that means to my relationship with my mother, my children and more importantly myself. I recently celebrated my birthday and struggled through the entire day. Not because I was turning another year older but because of the pain I feel every year wondering what my birth mother is thinking. So the relationship with my birth mother still haunts me and it seems to have intensified since I had my girls.
The relationship that my mother and I have has changed in so many ways since I had Maria. I have a new respect for her. She loved me when I was unlovable. Comforted me when I could not be comforted. Believed in me when I could not. Stood by me when no one else would. And guided me to a faith that sustains me each and every single day. She did the best that she could with a daughter that was trying her damnedest to severe ties by any means necessary in her youth. I wanted anyone else to be my mom in my youth (especially my birth mother) and when I write that I feel a horrible pain resonate in me. I have made amends with my mom for those days and years of deep anguish. I am hoping that my girls never feel the deep sorrow I felt. Not knowing my birth mother has challenged me to find peace and serenity in what I have. To constantly remember to come back to the present moment and to cherish each and every smile and tear that I share with my girls.
This is Jen... So I can honestly say that I haven't really thought about my relationship with my mother in terms of pre/post-kids. We've always had a great relationship. She's pretty much my best girlfriend. We talk everyday if not multiple times a day. We didn't really have any "challenging" years... at least not that I can remember. Probably because she was pretty laid-back about things and let me be independent... I was a pretty good kid as well so I'm sure that made it easier!
ReplyDeleteOf course these days we don't have our marathon shopping days together or quiet lunches at cute restaurants. Our time is spent entertaining the kids and doing kid-friendly activities. It's also hard because I live so far away. She visits us a lot and I try to get back to MN a couple times a year. This is a huge challenge for me because I grew up literally a couple miles away from grandparents and saw them all the time. It's hard for me knowing my kids won't have that same relationship. My home is with TR and the kids though so I wouldn't change anything... it's just tough sometimes.
My mom just retired this summer after teaching for 36 years... most of them were kindergarten. She always seems to be grilling me on Everett's skills and what he can do, what I'm working on, etc. I was concerned she was going to be crazy teacher lady instead of loving grandma. But... whenever she's with E she's the typical totally smitten grandma and he can do no wrong. We'll see if it becomes an issue as he gets older and is actually in school, but for now she's awesome with him and seems to realize that he's doing just fine for his age. I don't need him to be the top student in the class... I want him to do his best and enjoy learning. So far he loves his 1 day a week of "school" and we'll see what happens this fall when he switches more to a preschool program twice a week. This definitely could be an area of stress for our relationship in the future though.
One thing I do find really funny is that my mom seems to only remember the good times of my life as a baby/toddler. She'll always talk about what a great baby I was, etc. When I look through my baby book there are all these stories in there about me being sick, struggling with teething, etc. I guess it's nice that she doesn't remember those as being difficult times but I'm sure when she was dealing with them it was different! Maybe that's just a mom thing to remember and focus on the good times! Just last week she was helping out with Grant and kept commenting that he was crying a lot at night and seeemed like he was going to be a difficult baby. I pointed out Everett did the exact same thing when she was in town with him as a newborn. She had totally forgotten and had him as this always happy, quiet baby in her head!!
Anyway, my mom is awesome and I feel very lucky to have the relationship with her that I have! I love her and couldn't imagine life without her. She's as involved in my life as I let her... I have to save some stuff for just my hubby and kids!
kreich = Kelly Reichert :-) New to the blog, sorry for my delay...
ReplyDeleteGood, loaded question, Sarah... wow!
I love my mom, for sure. I would say that I am closer to her since I've had the kids. She is an excellent grandma, which I love. She always told me this story about when I was little, I would ask is we were going to see the "play grandma" or the "work grandma". My mom's mom loved to play with me, my dad's mom was always busy with something in the kitchen, an adult conversation, or just didn't pay attention. She tells me to remind her when she is not being a "play grandma" (which I think is a struggle for her, because she loves to do things for me... I think her love language is service, for sure). The kids do adore her, and I am so comfortable when she is watching the kids for a day.
All of that said, my mom and I are so different sometimes that sometimes even basic conversations are hard. We tend to view the world quite differently. She has chosen to live in a what I consider a kind of isolated and very privileged bubble, and I am very sensitive to her judgement or comments of or about others. Because she is my mom, I love her, she raised me, and I know now how challenging her life probably was and is... I have been trying to be more grace-giving towards her. But at times, I feel like I am teaching HER how to be a friend and show kindness to others, which can be frustrating.
I also would say that looking back at our relationship, especially since I have become a mom, each year has been better than the last. We are heading in the right direction, for sure, which is encouraging. And I know that she loves me and loves to learn about me... which sometimes comes out in crazy, awkward, annoying, probing, personal, etc questions... She is trying... and I am trying... and it is getting better.